Movies - Top 10 Things Learned From Spider-Man 3

"Spiderman 3 is not just all fun and games, you know. Look a bit closer and Sam Raimi and co. are really making very acute social observations about life, love and sand.

WARNING! SPOILERS AHEAD!

1. EMOs are a product of alien symbiosis

2. If you find yourself running from the law, no problem! Just hop over the gate that says ‘DANGER! Particle Physics Experiment in progress’ and you’re in the clear.

3. If your girlfriend is hanging from the roof of a demolished skyscraper, never fear. Nonchalantly take some pictures and introduce yourself to her father, who also doesn’t seem to give a shit.

4. Flipping pancakes and listening to vintage dance songs will only lead to adultery.

5. Black is the new red. And alien goo is the new cotton.

6. If you ever find yourself battling a giant sand person and a jagged-toothed photographer alongside your best friend who just tried to kill you, be sure that you and him exchange ‘witty’ banter at every opportunity. “I’m a little busy over here, buddy.” “I’d love to help you, but I’ve got my hands full, buddy” and so on.

7. If you want to kill someone real bad, then go to church and pray and maybe, if you’re lucky, God will provide you with an alien suit made of pure evil.

8. Sufferers of amnesia just can’t help smiling ridiculously and eating ice-cream. Oh life is good when you can’t remember anything.

9. Bad boys eat cookies, drink milk and mimic their lecturers down the phone in a hilarious manner.

10. Is your girlfriend feeling down? No problem, make her feel better by passionately upside-down kissing some really hot chick in front of her."

Yes, more Spider-Man 3 hatred from me. You might be getting an idea of how much I disliked this movie after I dedicated several posts recently to it; but I can't help it, too many great articles people are writing that I feel the need to share them. If you're still unsure on how 'emo' he truly is in it, I recommend you search youtube for some great videos people made from certain moments in the movie. I won't dedicate an entire post to these videos, but I could easily pick out 6 or so that are just fucking great.

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Movies - TOP 10 reasons NOT to see Spiderman 3

*** Possible spoilers below ***

10. Fundamental character confusion: Peter Parker turns into a cocky, flirting idiot for 45 minutes of the film... supposedly as a result of some alien goo exaggerating his characteristics, which funny enough also turns him into an angry goth teenager.

9. Blatant American cheese: There is actually a shot where Spidey lands in front of a waving American flag. I nearly choked on my straw.

8. Terrible acting: Just wait until you see Peter Parker and MJ cry together at the end. It's really, really funny!

7. Awful plot exposition: At the climax of the film they cut back and forth between a news reporter who informs us melodramatically about what is going on in the skies above her. Her lines are "I cannot believe what my eyes are seeing!"... and the audience shared this thought in despair as we watched a $250m film plummet to its doom.

6. Peter Parker dancing: Our theatre roared with laughter. I cried. I cried hard. I still weep when I think about it. It's awful.... just awful.

5. The line spoken by character Eddie Brock (Venom) as he prays to Jesus on the cross: "It's Brock sir, Edward Brock Jr. I'm here humbled and humiliated to ask you for one thing... I want you to kill Peter Parker."... I waited for Jesus to reply, but he seemed to have his head bowed in shame... no doubt hoping that no one would recognise him in such a bad film.

4. The most interesting villain (Venom) shows up in the last 15 minutes. The most boring villain (an angry sand dune) seems to simply annoy Spidey all the through and then apologise at the end.

3. Too much time spent on special effects and not enough on the story. The effects are good, but that should never be an excuse to give a film a good rating.

2. It's a chick-flick.

1. The ONLY redeeming feature of this film is the performance by Bruce Campbell as a French maitre d'. He is very, very funny. They could have just released his scene and then put up an apology to the audience that could have simply read...

"The remainder of this picture isn't worth watching. You may now leave the theatre. Thank you."

This top 10 list was taken from a blog post made on Lord Weekly. And I'd say it's pretty much dead on. I just got back from seeing it, and all I gotta say is..

EMO SPIDER-MAN FTW LAWLAWLOL

Yea, this movie was pretty fucking terrible. It's boring, unoriginal, nobody acts well in the movie, the characters lack depth and development, the pacing is just plain awful, everybody fucking cries, and there's even a dance sequence with your man "Emo Peter". The movie seemed hastily thrown together, with more characters than they knew what to do with. In the end you end up not caring about anyone and wanting those 2 and a half hours of your life back.

As you can kinda see by the pictures above, Peter went all emo for like 45 minutes of the movie, with some straight-out ridiculous goofy scenes showing him as 'Evil Peter' being an asshole and 'getting the ladies' with his emo charm. Fucking odd, out of place shit went down. I can understand some corny scenes, the Bruce Campbell cameo was entertaining I guess, but as soon as Peter changed his hair-do I busted out laughing, and from then on I couldn't take the movie seriously. The whole bar scene was like an emo version of The Mask. I haven't seen a movie this bad in a while, I was really expecting more, despite the bad reviews. And on top of all that, it ran way too long and pulled a fucking Lord of the Rings with it's 5 endings.

Ofcourse it's going to blow up the box office and get a zillion dollars and they'll make 3 more movies, with or without Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst. I'd recommend anyone who has not seen it, and is planning on seeing it, to save your money and sit this one out. Don't pour any more money in their wallets, they're already making a killing on this series and studios will continue to push out these crappy over-the-top-CGI movies with utterly simple spoon-fed and repetitive/excessive romantic plots if America keeps paying.

For a more detailed review on just how shitty Spider-Man 3 is I recommend the review from Obsessed With Film: http://www.obsessedwithfilm.com/reviews/spider-man-3.php .

Enjoy the following video review from cakebite.com where they basically discuss every scene in the movie. Obviously I would not watch it if you don't want to be semi-spoiled and haven't seen the movie yet and for whatever reason still want to.

Movies - Top 10 Reasons Why You Should See "Hot Fuzz"

Another Hot Fuzz article today; this one lists the top 10 reasons to see the movie. Now I'm seriously debating driving 2 hours to see this movie.


"If you are like me, then you don’t need many reasons to go see Hot Fuzz when it opens here in the states this weekend. If you are not like me, then I will be happy to provide you with 10 Good Reasons why you should go see Hot Fuzz this weekend. They are as follows:


#10 - Simon Pegg and Nick Frost

2 Men, 1 reason. These guys are comedic dyn-o-mite! Ever since Shaun of the Dead became a cult classic, we have been waiting for these guys to pop up somewhere. And while they have both done other things, nothing has come close to the awesome nature of their performances in Shaun… until now.

#9 - Because Fracture is a HUGE Disappointment
How this film got a 75% Fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes so far is beyond me. I reviewed it, it stunk. Anthony Hopkins is significantly underused, Ryan Gosling is a bit overused and Director Gregory Hoblit made a film like this before, it was called Primal Fear. That was a good movie, this is not; giving you one less reason to see Fracture and one more to see Hot Fuzz.

#8 - Because they pay homage to Michael Bay and Point Break
Action junkies will love the subtle (and unsubtle) homages to action and fanboy flicks of old. There are copious amounts of Michael Bay references (especially Bad Boys 2) and some neat little references that you have to pay attention for (i.e. a He-Man reference and some old school video game sound effects just to keep you on your toes).

#7 - Because it is the Best Reviewed film of the Week
Of all the releases this week, the Tomato-meter score on Rotten Tomatoes shows Hot Fuzz at 88% Fresh, soundly defeating even Blades of Glory. How can you go wrong with those kinds of odds?

#6 - Because you are secretly a fan of Japanese Peace Lillies
This is another one of those classic Edgar Wright subtleties that will have you laughing at the movie hours after seeing it. Go see the movie, then you will understand the water lily joke.

#5 - Because I have not yet met someone who didn’t like Shaun of the Dead
Try this experiment — call everyone in your cell phone’s directory, ask them if they’ve seen Shaun of the Dead, then ask if they liked it. Chances are you will find that everyone who saw it at least liked it. That just goes to show that Director Edgar Wright can make a film that appeals to the masses…

#4 - Because you didn’t see Grindhouse
I know that America is slowly losing its taste for good movies, but come on people!? Grindhouse has already become the biggest cinematic tragedy of 2007 and it is only April. The online community really pushed hard for Grindhouse and it failed. We get it, though; it was 3 hours long and it was a niche film. Fuzz doesn’t have those problems. Don’t make us look like assholes twice in a row (well, 3 times if you count Snakes on a Plane).

#3 - So that Hot Fuzz doesn’t end up like Children of Men
So many great films die as limited releases. They miss their window of opportunity, fail to find the audience they deserve and are buried by their studio. Children of Men fell victim to this earlier in the year and we can’t let it happen to Hot Fuzz. And as my good friend Alex over at First Showing said, we cannot let Hot Fuzz get screwed like Children of Men.

#2 - Simon Pegg kicking an old lady in the Face is AWESOME!
Must I really explain this one? He kicks an old lady… in the FACE!

#1 - Because all of the best parts of the movie are not in the Trailer
For the first 20 minutes or so of the film you will find yourself saying, “Hey, that was in the trailer. So was that. And that. Isn’t there going to be anything new?” Then little do you know that the film explodes and takes on a new direction, leaving you laughing so hard that you may pee yourself. Just remember to bring a diaper…

If those reasons aren’t enough, then you may want to seek professional help… "

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